Friday, May 29, 2020
They speak of progress in the red, white, and blue.
I went to apply to healthcare tonight and it stopped me saying I may qualify for medicare for probably free. Despite me telling them i'm without a job and willing to pay for it with my unemployment money. What a fucking world we live in, haha.
I guess I should be happy. But we will have to see where this whole thing ends up because i'm in the last mile stretch to being clear of this diabetes type 2 so i can't exactly afford to lose coverage right now to be honest.
I had a conversation with my friend tonight about how she is basically a friend leech and I don't think she took it seriously. On the one hand i'm upset about the whole thing because this is something I have had to deal with so often in my life it's unbelievable.
But on the other hand I wasn't exactly super obvious in my tone either. But perhaps because she got really quiet for a second when I had finished saying my piece. So hopefully she kind of picked up on that and we will just see where it goes from here.
I had a long phone conversation earlier with my friend Britnee and I swear 3 hours on the phone was fast. I can never tell if she's being serious or not when she talks about moving in with her but I have made it very clear I am not about that life. I haven't even tried to move in with my gf over these last years. I just don't think it would be wise to be with anyone in a 'home' space with my head being the way it is. I require too much space and find myself inconvenienced whenever I have to do anything other than what I want. That's just not fair to the other person at all. I need to still continue to work on that until I can be the person they need me to be, and one that I can live with comfortably.
Saturday, May 23, 2020
I'd had in my mind to conquer the world
I hate that today is my birthday but all I can think about is her still. It's been over a month and my stupid brain can't learn to take a hint. Serves me right though. I should have avoided the whole thing from the beginning.
In other news i'm 31. What up? Nothing. That is what. I'm glad to see I was right after all this time about who my friends are. It's the same folks it's always been because everyone else that was a part of my life has definitely forgotten about me, haha. But it's okay. I've made my peace for the most part. Of course I get a bit sour once in a while but I make the best of what I have!
Another great thing to note is that I remembered to order my medication for my face before my insurance ran out! Haha, good lord i'm fucking up!
Although on that subject...I really need to look at health plans now that I am without a job, dude.
On a brighter note!
My favorite band Bloom released a new track back in March and I didn't even know! It's called 'The Service' and goddamn. These guys are not capable of writing a bad song so far! I went and bought all of their music from the bandcamp page. I wanted to buy merch but they wanted $30 for some ironed on shirts, and I cannot justify that purchase!
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
"O my sole love, I pray thee pity me
From out this dark gulf where my poor heart lies,
A baren world hemmed in by leaden skies
Where horror flies at night, and blasphemy.
For half the year the sickly sun is seen,
The other half thick night lies on the land,
A country bleaker than the polar strand;
No beasts, no brooks, nor any shred of green.
There never was a horror which surpassed this icy sun's cold cruelty,
and this vast night like primeval Chaos; would I were
Like the dumb brutes, who in a secret lair
Lie wrapt in stupid slumber for a space... T
ime creeps at so burdensome a pace."
I just recently looked up this poem that Davey Havok recites in 'Midnight Sun' and wow. De Profundis Clamavi by Charles Baulelaire. This was written back in 1857. I am 1,000% astonished by this information! It's crazy to see people feeling and thinking that way in such an odd time. It is however really inspiring and i've read some of the translated work, and let me FUCKING TELL YOU. I've never felt so disheartened in my life. I mean that in such a good way too.
Anyway, I wanted to keep it brief. Today was nice and chill but i had so many moments where i wanted to do something else aside from what i was already committed to, but I guess that's part of the sacrifice ya know. You do it for the folks you love because you're just so fucking insatiable anyway that you know there isn't even a point in trying.
oh wow, i went off the rail a bit there. My bad.
Back to this AFI deep dive because I wanted beautiful lyrics to match my want of sleep but have not yet found!
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Man I wish I could just be high all day while listening to music on the sound bar dude. I love the way bass is boosted on this sub-woofer. Definitely not biased as an ex-bass player, haha.
I say all of this as youtube autoplays a fucking news clip from ABC. HAHAHAHHA. GTFO here youtube. you're literally killing my vibe!
I wonder if anybody has ever used their unemployment money to just start a music career and fail miserably. man...imagine I did? I mean....nah-wewontgotheredude.
So I didn't get to take my guitar in these last few days because I was with my friends. Which is fine, not that i'm complaining, it's just I really want a guitar to play at home that doesn't involve me going to my car to and from when I want to play it. I've been learning a lot of new techniques and correct ways to do certain things after listening/watching all these spanish musicians!
Very excited to *ACTUALY* use my guitar capo correctly and effectively. I'm seriously so thrilled because now I can play songs in whatever fucked up broken key my voice is in. I honestly would have never known to match that up on my own.
It's seriously surprising though because as a musician: and a person who listens to so much different shit; you'd think I would have figured it out at SOME point in my life. But I never took writing music so seriously because I never really believed in myself enough to really pursue it up until now.
Also, today, I learned, unemployment insurance is actually only like 4 or 5 months. So I guess I got let go at a good time to ride the wave out for a substantial amount of time. This all does truly give me more incentive to just explore any avenues i've always avoided out of fear of running out of money for rent etc.
I always feel kind of guilty for feeling like this...but...?
I get so tired from being around my friends so fast and it's horrible because I actually begin to yawn all the time and have trouble engaging with them in whatever we are doing. Like I know I want them to go home but I don't have the nerve to say it because I know i'm a difficult person to get a hold of, let alone actually get to in person. It's difficult being such an introvert when you want to be good to people just not so much around them.
I'd rather just be thought about and talked to than be hung around. I'm just too awkward. I pause before texting most back because it gives me a moment to breathe from being exhausted from nothing. I know it sounds so stupid but I have no other means to try and describe it as!
Oh well. I do need to go to sleep soon. I was doing so good at going to bed at a decent hour, but now the whole thing is just fucked. Hopefully i can keep a good sleep schedule and that this week is just odd!
If you have a moment, check out Russian Red "Fuerteventura" it is honestly one of the most refreshing songs i've heard in fucking YEARS.
Thursday, May 14, 2020
The after effects of delusion then sensibility
Today was honestly such a successful day, dude.
I woke up kind of late to be honest, but otherwise it was great. I took a shower this morning and listened to some alkaline trio throughout. I guess what I thought was acne on my face, is, in fact, just dirty pores from shaving incorrectly.
I took a super hot shower and my face immediately felt better once the heat opened up my pores. Looking forward to doing it again tomorrow, haha. I hate having acne dude. So fucking badly!
This isn't even real acne just dirt in my pores from a close shave and it's driving me crazy.
Even better though I remembered to use both of my topical things to get my face vitilago under control. So i'm excited to go back at it again tomorrow. I do need to get that refill though through Alto Pharmacy. Maybe i'll try tomorrow and get it going before my insurance runs out at the end of the month.
Speaking of insurance!
I gotta get that shit sorted out through covered california soon. i'm sure the cobra coverage my job is going to send me isn't bad , but I imagine it is definitely going to be fucking expensive. Lord knows this is a bad time for me to not have any insurance either. I'm at the end of my diabetic journey and i'm so close to being fuckin cleared of this.
I sent my elite series 2 controller out via UPS today; and that also was a bit of a weird journey because I tried to print out the label using their website and in-store pick up but it never showed? Either way the lady was super nice and just printed it out for me and packed it all up and sent it off on it's way. If this new controller doesn't work I'm just going to call microsoft to see if they'll give me a brand new elite 1 controller. Having to deal with random fucking disconnects from my controller in the middle of games is seriously a fucking pain in the ass. i'm thankful it's only happened during dead by daylight mostly. but it has happened during call of duty and dark souls.
I think my only real gripe about being home lately is that we don't have a working fucking sink. I drink a lot of water when i'm at home and having to use the same cup and wash it in the bathroom sink is anything but cool.
Not to mention i have to wait for the bathroom to be clear from anyone just so I can wash my hands is getting kind of annoying. But, again, this isn't my house and I pay only $350 a month so I don't have much to complain about.
I need to cut my nails, they're making typing such a pain in the ass right now.
This has to be my favorite band right now and they only have 7 fucking songs right now. But dude, I swear to god, each of these fucking songs breaks my heart into 1,000 pieces because this guy can just WRITE.
Another thing to note is that I've DEFINITELY rekindled my passion for music lately. I know I talk about it a lot soooooooo....haha
Bloom - Closure
Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea, what hol-
There was a bunch of stuff i wanted to say but i forgot and its almost practically bed time for once. Hahaha, go figure! Anyway, watching into the spider verse til I pass out!
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
--Deku Shield---[40 Rupees]
I REPEAT *OFFICIALLY*
I'm a leech on society.
I mean, basically, I got my unemployment money in the mail today and I transferred it immediately to my checking account. It just feels super weird because I almost feel guilty because aside from like a small handful of things from work, I don't even give a shit that I am no longer there, and am just living off (my) everyone else's tax dollars LMAO. But lemme tell you dude...I've literally made a quarter of my savings in just getting laid off. Fucking wild dude. I have chosen to actually take this time to just kinda fuck off. I have literally been working since I was 16 years old. I had one 3 month break when i was like 22 and got let go from K-Mart on a seasonal gig (which obviously, duh). However i'm not 100% sure of what I am going to do with this time given the current status of the world. But I have a fair amount of friends still left in my life that I can depend on consistently. So hopefully i'll remember to try and start seeing them!
I have been listening to so many Spanish sad songs lately it's fucking weird, but crazy refreshing to see how those artists deal with their pain in a different way. I am super excited to bring my guitar from home to the shop to get her back to a playing state. New strings, adjusting the neck, the tension, new battery for the tuner. Gonna finally glue that pick holder to the back of it so I can stop looking for a pick when i want to play, haha. Foreal. Any string player will tell you. I am learning to use my fingers to pluck and play but it's substantially more difficult than I had ever imagined. No wonder I never really learned how to play slap bass in my youth.
Another thing too, I have a lot of games and things in my life that I have kind of left unfinished. Mostly because I, as a person, just wasn't ready to be done with them. I've never really enjoyed things having emotional attachment, but I realize that everyone is attached to things. I've just tried to fight it because i'm a stubborn idiot with no real reason. It's so hard being in your own head with so much free time.
You know being up at this fucking hour is probably not good either. I have been trying so hard to maintain a steady sleep schedule.
You know, I say that, right? But every night i've been going to bed at like freaking 1 am or thereabouts. Even still, my body wakes up around 8:30 at the latest. This may be a good time to get into the habit of waking up around 7 am or so! I used to be so good then i just stopped caring about anything because my job had me feeling so miserable so i started becoming late all the time and just not even worried. My boss not writing me up or saying anything didn't help either. Dude was way too lax about everything with me. Funny to hear actually that his new job had let him go and he went to work for one of our rivals though, lmao for sure.
Anyway. It's 1:30am and i'm still here smoking more & more while listening to music. Y'know i came to my room with the intent of putting on a movie just to KO. So much for that, haha. Good god. I started this entry at 12:26am. literally after midnight and i've been in and out of this entry for an hour and a half. Goodnight Danny, go the fuck to sleep. Enjoy my favorite song for now https://youtu.be/43K_TAQz_FY
Monday, May 11, 2020
Going on 3 weeks of being unemployed now. It's safe to say i'm definitely beginning to feel the depression kind of settle in. But i guess it really shouldn't be so bad. I wasn't let go for any reason other than budget cuts. They let go of all the people in my position.
My unemployment is finally all cleared up and i feel a lot better about the unplanned, unaccounted for, and unwelcome uncertainty.
I've been wanting to color my hair for quite some time now but have delayed it because i worked in such a corporate environment.
Also I just misspelled environment but auto correct saved me.
As anyone else who finds themselves having so much free time i've gotten back into old hobbies. Picked up the guitar more and am trying to learn one of my favorite bands (McCaffertty) entire catalog. It's actually coming along nicely i gotta admit! (Thankfully as well.)
I've dug up the old skateboard. My legs felt like absolute jello after doing it the other day. But it felt so good to finally break a fucking sweat since the gyms have been closed since basically February now.
I wish I could talk about a recent loss but to do so would only acknowledge it again and give it permanence in my life again.
I'm trying so hard to be positive lately, so the less i think of sad stuff the better.
Ironically i say all this while listening to Russian Red sing "Todos mis palabras"
It's honestly though wild how i am making a bit more money on unemployment than i was while working full time. It's crazy to me because i never thought i'd be on this end of the stick. I understand now how people have such fun lives on unemployment. Too bad i can't fucking go anywhere right now due to the quarantine all over.
Saturday, August 01, 2015
I never learned, I never listened.
I never strived to be anything I ever wanted to be.
I never tried, I always let it, always let it slip through my fingertips.
Can I learn? Won't be bothered.
Cause I can't learn from my mistakes that I make day-to-day.
This bottle, it rests so easily
These hours, they lumber past so unwillingly.
I find, I've found, that I could never
Break, away, from the repetition of my own life.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I'm a loyalist baby, no, don't leave me.
This morning I had just no luck waking up. I knew the only mistake I made was letting my alarm turn off instead of just snoozing it like I usually do. But, let's be honest, I think that we all do that once a week or so.
It's just like, I don't know how people do this for their entire life. I'm already sick of it. I thought this was what I wanted in life, but I couldn't have been any more incorrect than now. I'll admit I like the amount of hours but not exactly the location.
I think I was happier when I was working in San Leandro actually doing tires; not selling them. I'm definitely sick of the sales game these days. I've gotten a little too old for it I think.
I miss the manual labor, physically having to do something made me feel good about both, myself, and my job.
Although I can't complain too much though.
I know, we've heard that before, yeah?
Haha, I know. It's all too familiar with me these days.
I am rather content though. I've got myself a nice car without any assistance from anyone. I am paying my own on the car insurance two months at a time and I can buy whatever toys I want.
On to the actual news though. I've started teaching my friend Mark how to play guitar for about two years now. I know, I know, what a guy, right? So nice of me to spend my time and dedicate it to somebody lesser than me. HAHAHA JK JK JK.
He's gotten very good though. I would even dare say he's become better than me. That's usually how it goes right? The student typically outwits the teacher after so long?
So all that aside now, last night we began writing our first song together as Put Me Down. Formerly my solo project and now I guess a duo. AJJ style. Maybe even Lawrence Arms style? Who knows. Maybe he will sing one of these days on some sort of song! But all is going pretty well, thankfully. I feel kind of bad because as we were going through the writing process he tried to contribute a few times but I kept shutting it down. His skills aren't quite as prominent as I'd hoped. But i have quite a few years of writing experience as opposed to his zero. So maybe in a few more songs he'll kind of get a feel for it. He kept kind of touching on the edge of it last night with a few songs. So that's pretty cool I think.
anyway, back to work. i've doped around long enough here.
Also, I have to propose to this customer who came in and asked for Continental Tires from the get go. She's definitely a keeper hahah.